I’m currently sat at my kitchen table, food shopping bags in the middle of the kitchen floor with the groceries still waiting to be put away, dishes in the sink that need to be washed up, washing on the airers and several to-do lists each as long as my arm scattered around me. I’m procrastinating a little bit by writing this because I don’t really know where to start with tackling the lists (even though I know full well that once I get going I’ll be absolutely fine and will probably fly through it all), but also because I have a head full of thoughts that I can’t get away from.
It was my eldest daughter’s tenth birthday yesterday and even though she was at school we managed to have a really lovely morning and evening of celebrations. Nothing special – just surprise giant balloons, opening presents and cards, a chocolate birthday cake and her favourite meal for tea – but she was so happy with it all that my heart felt like it might burst. She begged for me to stay at home instead of going to London like I normally do on a Wednesday, so I did exactly that and worked with clients online instead while she was at school.
Despite staying at home instead of doing my usual fifteen hour day, I feel really tired today – my eyes are sore and the headache I’ve had for the last three days has got a bit worse. My yoga class this morning helped enormously (it always does), but I have a feeling that I need to put these thoughts down on paper (well, laptop) otherwise they’ll just keep on going round and round in my head and I’ll never get anything done.
So, here we are.
I’m not feeling particularly festive yet, despite us being well into December now. It feels like everyone else has started Christmas much earlier than usual this year, with trees going up and cards being sent towards the end of November instead of waiting until mid-December as per tradition. That doesn’t bother me too much – our festivities don’t really start until after Ella’s birthday normally anyway – but I’m struggling to find the motivation to get going with it all this year even though the girls keep asking when they can write their Christmas cards for their school friends and when we can get the decorations out. I’m feeling quite stressed about presents this year – I’ve managed to get a fair bit of the shopping done but I do still need to get a couple (ahem, several) more bits and pieces and I have no idea where I’m going to create the time to do that without the girls around as they break up for the Christmas holidays quite early this year. We’ve got a bit of a festive weekend planned this weekend with tree decorating, Christmas card writing, Christmas baking and visiting Santa all on the list, so I’m very much hoping that will be the kick I need to give myself to get going with having some fun.
Honestly though? I kind of want this year to be over with so we can start 2017 afresh. It’s felt like a tough, up-and-down year, even though nothing in particular has really happened and we’ve had some really wonderful times together as a family (our holidays to Cornwall and Jersey, plus our spontaneous mini-break to Dorset). It’s funny how we think that turning over a page on a new calendar will magically make everything better and erase the difficult stuff – we all know it doesn’t really work like that – but somehow the promise of a brand new twelve months feels positive. A blank canvas upon which to create the next part of our story. A clean page to write the next chapter of who we are becoming.
My husband and I have both had our emotional struggles over the last few months, work stress is always present, parenting is as challenging as ever (balanced out by the wonderful bits of course, but when you’re in the middle of a meltdown it’s hard to remember those) and several people close to us are having a difficult time too and I think perhaps it’s all getting on top of us a bit. I’m feeling the need to escape again (because that’s the obvious answer, right?!) but because we can’t at the moment I’m daydreaming a lot about the places we want to visit next year. Hopefully we’ll be able to put at least a couple of them into action 🙂
I’ve been watching a few of my favourite blogger’s Vlogmas videos as I’ve been getting on with other stuff at home and I’m feeling inspired to try some new things with my blog next year as a result. I’ve already started making a list of things I want to challenge myself with and what my intention for next year is going to be (blog post/s coming soon!). It feels like I haven’t quite found my voice with my blog yet (though I am getting there!) and I feel a bit frustrated that it’s not growing as quickly as I’d like it to (whilst at the same time knowing and trusting that I need to be patient and put in the work and it will come as I build it). I need to keep reminding myself that I’ve only been doing it for nine months and that staying true to what I want to do with it and the reason I started it in the first place is key.
Reading back over this it seems a little bit negative and that’s really not my intention – I’m a pretty positive person generally. I’ve always wanted to be as authentic and genuine as possible in how I come across on here, and this really is just how I feel at the moment. A little bit ‘meh’. I know it’ll pass and I know that I have the resources I need to get myself through it, but sometimes you just need to share it instead of holding it in your head right?
So forgive me for the brain dump. I’m off to do the washing up, put away the groceries and sort out the washing before it’s time to collect the girls from school. Normal service shall be resumed shortly 🙂