Somehow we’re almost at the end of January.  In some respects it really has felt like the longest month ever; the grey, damp days dragging out into infinity with the end seemingly never in sight.  In other ways though, it feels like it’s gone quite fast and I can’t believe the first chapter of the new year (and the new decade) is already nearly at a close and we’re one step closer to Spring (hurray!).

I think that Lola being poorly for the first ten days or so of the month has muddled my sense of time quite a bit – January didn’t really start properly until the 13th of the month when she eventually went back to school.  I’m so grateful that I’m able to drop everything to be there for my girls when they need me, and that (to some extent) my husband can do the same – I wouldn’t change that for the world.  I have to say that it did feel good to shift my headspace out of the tired and worried fog it had been in whilst we were looking after her, and get back into work mode.

I usually like to spend the first half of January reflecting on the year that has just passed: looking at what I’ve learnt; what I could have done better, whether I honoured my intention for the year and what mistakes I made, as well as what the highlights were; what I achieved; and what I did well.  As a family we enjoy looking back at all the new experiences we’ve had and what our favourite memories have been.  The photos sprinkled through this post are some of our favourite moments from last year.

On the beach in Bude, our happy place by the sea

Once I’m done looking back and feel like I’ve mostly closed the door on the year, I turn my attention to both the here-&-now and the future.  Where am I with everything right now?  What do I want the next twelve months to look/feel like?  To help me with this, I choose an intention. It’s not a resolution to give something up, or a set of targets or measurable goals to work towards achieving (though I have actually set some goals this year for the first time in a long time; 20 goals for 2020 to be exact).  An intention is much, much deeper than that. It’s more a way of being. A choice for how I want to deliberately and purposefully live my life over the coming twelve months.  A guide for who I want to be rather than what I want to do.

Setting a new intention does require some degree of reflection on last year’s intention.  2019 was my year of ‘more and less’.  More of what I do want and less of what I don’t.  So what did that actually look like?  Did I manage to align myself to it in the way that I wanted to?

Enjoying the pool at Sandybrook Lodges in the Peak District

MORE

In 2019 I wanted more…: photography; personal creative projects; family time together; reading; time spent in the fresh air surrounded by nature; date nights; time creating and building things related to all of my different work roles; writing; acceptance of the season we’re in as a family right now with the girls at the ages and stages they are; yoga; financial savings; sex; self belief; time looking after myself; honesty and communication; trips and adventures and travel; simplicity; time doing stuff I love to do just because I want to; commitment to turning my passion for photography into a viable business; space; cuddles; confidence; dedication to learning and growth; joy; moving forwards; things ticked off my ‘40 Things Before I’m 40‘ list; grace for myself when I make mistakes; new experiences; calmness and kindness; sleep; time spent connecting with friends; time working on stuff that matters to me; energy; positivity & laughing.

I’d say I managed more of about half of those things.  Creative projects, reading, writing, trips/adventures/travel, commitment to photography, dedication to learning and growth, things ticked off my ’40 Things Before I’m 40′ list and new experiences all increased.  Date nights, yoga, financial savings, confidence, grace, calmness and sleep did not!

LESS

In 2019 I wanted less…: stress; anxiety; worry; therapy clients; comparison to others; wishing that things would change; spending on unnecessary things; fear; seeing the negatives and ‘what ifs’ and all the things that could go wrong; time doing stuff I don’t like to do but feel like I have to do; time spent staring at a computer/phone screen; procrastinating; worrying about what other people will think; time spent mindlessly scrolling to numb my feelings/quieten my brain; clutter in the house; waiting; time spent dwelling on the past; feeling hard done by; self doubt; lurking on the sidelines/hiding; putting myself last all the time; of making everything more complicated than it needs to be; excuses; control; beating myself up when things don’t go as I expected/wanted; staying stuck.

Again, probably about half.  Unnecessary spending, worrying what other people think, mindless scrolling and excuses all decreased.  Stress, & anxiety, fear, screen time, self doubt, beating myself up and feeling stuck did not.

It’s quite interesting looking at which ones changed and which didn’t.  It’s definitely given me a lot to think about and there are things in both lists that I want to prioritiise going forwards from here. I’m pleased with the ones that I did do more and less of and I think they’ll stay changed for the better.

Eating ice creams as big as our heads in Cape Cod

For all the ways in which I did follow my intention and I was the me I wanted to be, there were of course times where I didn’t and I wasn’t.  I am human after all, and therefore imperfect by default.  I was doing ok, pretty well actually (even with the fire, the stress of the renovations that followed and then putting our house on the market) right up until the end of the year when our buyer started messing us around.  That, on top of everything else, meant that my mood and confidence levels nose-dived whilst the anxiety that I sometimes struggle with flared up big time.  The opposite of the ‘more and less’ I’d wanted for all of those things.

2019 also felt quite lonely in many ways.  I spend most of my days completely on my own, working from home whilst the girls are at school and the husband is out at his job.  A huge part of me loves and actively needs the solitude and the quiet (introvert alert!) but there is also a part of me that craves company and conversation and community sometimes too.

This combination left me feeling stuck.  Paralysed might be a better word actually.  I had a head brimming with creative ideas and plans and things I wanted to do and I let fear get in the way of every single one of them, resulting in a lot of frustration with myself and a feeling of having lost my way a bit because I wasn’t practising for myself what I teach others to do.

However, I fully believe that the place I found myself in at the end of 2019 (a bit lonely, sad, anxious and stuck whilst somehow simultaneously feeling excited for all the good things ahead of us), as uncomfortable and conflicting as it was, is exactly where I needed to be in order for me to figure out what my intention for 2020 is going to be.

Enjoying the vibes at Sunshine Festival

This year, 2020, is my year of connection and growth.

What do I mean by those?  Well…

Over the years in my therapy practice I’ve worked with hundreds of clients who struggle with all the things I myself have been feeling.  In those clients I’ve observed that connection is a powerful antidote to depression (along with other things of course).  When we struggle with low mood, whether it’s full blown depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder or just feeling a bit down, we have a habit of withdrawing, of isolating ourselves, of preferring to stay inside and away from people where it feels safer.  To counteract those feelings and boost our mood, we have to do the opposite. We have to actively choose to connect with people.  In person works best, but if that’s too much emotionally or not possible logistically then a phone call with a loved one or a Facebook Messenger chat with a friend can do wonders for the more introvert-inclined of us.  We also have to reconnect with ourselves instead of numbing all the feelings and pretending that we’re “fine” when we’re really not.

The word ‘growth’ is usually synonymous with the word ‘more’.  But that’s not what I mean by growth in this case.  For me, growth = better.  At any given moment we’re operating from a position of growth or a position of protection.  Protection is designed by our unconscious to keep us safe.  But the choices we make whilst in protection mode are based on fear and they keep us exactly where we are.  It feels comfortable (because it’s safe).  Growth is the opposite – it’s how we become better versions of ourselves and more often than not it feels uncomfortable because we’re challenging ourselves and stepping outside of our comfort zones.  That’s where the magic happens.

Trying inflatable kayaking in Southampton whilst staying with friends

So, what will a year of connection and growth actually look like?

CONNECTION

There are three parts to the ‘connection’ side of things.  Firstly I want to use 2020 to reconnect with myself.  I’ve spent far too long feeling lost, trying out different roles and never quite finding one that fits.  I want to remember who I used to be (brave and confident, willing to give anything a go with a firm belief that I can achieve whatever I set my mind to) and really ask myself honestly whether I’m being who I want to be.  Would me as a little girl be proud of the me I have become?  Am I doing the things that make me happy? What do I need to change? Am I living my life according to my values and the things I hold most important? Do I (mostly) make the right choices?  What do I still need to let go of?  What parts of myself do I need to work on?

Secondly, I want to spend 2020 cultivating and strengthening the important connections that I already have.  With friendships this means reaching out more, checking in with them, asking questions, making more of an effort, seeing them in person, offering support and encouragement, listening.  With family I guess it means the same – calling my Mum more often, setting aside time to visit people, actively being interested in what’s going on in people’s lives.  I’ve felt very caught up in my own world over the last year, it’s time I started looking outwards again.  With my marriage I need to remember to use his love language, to stop taking things so personally and to create time just for us (and use that time well).  With the girls it’s going to look like having more patience, remembering the ages and stages that they’re each at, making space for one-to-one time and remembering to have fun and just enjoy their company because they’re ace.  And finally with regards to all the different strands of worth that I do (therapy, writing, photography, blogging) it’s going to mean serving people in ways that matter, reaching out to people I haven’t heard from in a while and starting conversations.

Thirdly, I want to spend 2020 creating new connections and building networks with people and brands.  Both online and in person, from a multitude of different walks of life, personally and professionally.  I’d love to make some new friends.  I know a lot of people but true friends that I know I could call in the middle of the night if I was in trouble are few and far between.  As I said before, I have multiple strands to my work and the ways I earn a living which may even increase in number this year.  For each aspect to successfully play a part in supporting us financially I need to expand my circle, to meet new people, to create new opportunities for collaborations and projects, to make space for new clients of every kind.

One of our visits to Trentham Gardens in Staffordshire, a favourite local place of ours to visit

GROWTH

It feels like all growth got put on pause last year.  Everything stopped whilst we dealt with the immediate issues at hand, which seemed to just keep hitting us one after the other without letting us catch our breath and find our feet.  I want to make up for that this year.

BLOG:  I want to grow this blog.  I want to work with more brands that I really love and who are in line with our family values; to grow into someone who actually gets paid for this kind of work; to grow my follower numbers, particularly on Instagram (I know numbers don’t matter.  I KNOW.  Try telling that to the brands who want their message spread far and wide).  I also want to grow in terms of what I write about – as well as using this blog as a place to document our story and leave a tangible legacy for my girls, I want to be sure that I’m offering something useful for the people who read it (ie: you!) and I want to make sure I’m using my platforms to put something positive out into the world and to make a difference somehow.  Finally, I want to grow in my knowledge of how blogging works, how SEO works, all the technicalities and nitty-gritty details of it.

THERAPY:  Lest year I said I wanted to reduce the number of clients I was working with so that I could concentrate on exploring the other aspects of my income stream, and I did exactly that.  Growing my therapy business doesn’t mean seeing more clients.  It means creating and developing other ways in which I can help people – training courses, downloadable e-books, workshops.  I have so many ideas!

PHOTOGRAPHY:  I want to grow in every aspect of photography – increase my skill set, shoot different subjects, grow in confidence and ability, develop my portfolio, launch my business, grow my connections with families who want their stories told and grow in the way I’m able to honour them and tell them.  I’m so excited to be attending two conferences this year that will help me do exactly that.

MONEY:  I want to grow my income.  Yes, that does mean more money but it doesn’t mean working 24 hours a day to do that.  It means charging what I’m worth in all of my strands of work, it means investing in myself where and when I need to knowing that it will pay off in the long run and it means thinking outside the box with regards to where my income can potentially come from.  As an aside, I would very much like to grow the balance in my savings account again – moving house pretty much wiped us out and I want to build it back up to the level it was at before.

MOTHERHOOD:  I still have so much growing to do here.  I want to grow into being a better Mum, to learn to pick my battles, to let the little things go, to relinquish control when I can and to be the best Mum I can be to my girls.  It’s an ongoing process that will most likely last a lifetime, and no two days are the same.  It’s the most important area I want to grow in though, growing to become the peaceful, calm and positive parent that I want to be (and know that I can be).

My girls and I. I end each year with infinitely more worry lines than I start with but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

To do and to be all of the above, to fulfil my intention for 2020, I’m going to need to incorporate all of my previous years of intentions too.

2017 was about letting go and leaping.

2018 was about taking action.

2019 was about more and less.

and 2020 is all about connection and growth.

I can’t wait to see what happens.

Have you set an intention or chosen a word for the year?  If so I’d love to know what it is. Feel free to leave it in the comments and we can all keep each other accountable as the months go by.